essays and articles by david g allen

How Martha Stewart Almost Stole Christmas


With Martha Stewart’s trial set to begin next month, I thought you should know that her misdeeds are far more serious than mere insider trading. At the outset, let me caution you: Hide this expose’ from your children during the Christmas holidays.

This time two years ago, the Martha Stewart story was taking shape. It was December 27th , 2001. The Queen of Style was jetting down to Mexico when she made an unscheduled stop in Texas to phone her stockbroker. "Dump the ImClone stock immediately!" were her frantic words to Merrill Lynch.

The mainstream press frenzied itself when it learned of the stock trade and reported that Martha had dumped her shares based on insider info about FDA test results for ImClone’s experimental cancer drug. So frenzied was Dan Rather that he gave up night classes studying El Niňo to come back ON AIR. The ImClone story was hot, hotter than even El Niňo.

It all smelled fishy to me from the get-go. This story smelled of a grand conspiracy.

I have since hacked into the Homeland Security website and this is what I learned. The cockpit voice recording from the Mexico flight of Air Stewart One is on file. During the playback, all appears normal until the co-pilot shouts, "We have a blue light on the collision avoidance panel!"

He sounds utterly shocked—"Never", he remarks, "have I seen the blue light come on!" Then the pilot commands, "Pull Up! Pull Up!" But it’s too late. The next sound we hear is, "Thud."santa clone

I dug further into the story, and I am shocked to say this, but ImClone’s drug trials were nothing more than a front for the real, horrid truth--Martha Stewart’s scientists had cloned Santa Claus! The "Thud" we hear on the voice recorder is that of the Santa clone being hit by Air Stewart One.

Had this accident not happened, Martha Stewart might just have pulled off the biggest coup in marketing history. Think of the impact on Wal-Mart. All of the nation’s illiterates, those unfortunates who comprise one-third of all Wal-Mart shoppers would have been so confused when Santa clones started showing up at K-Mart, and only K-Mart, during the summer months.

Think about this as well: Would Gov. Bob Wise fall victim to granting state workers another paid holiday every time one of these clones showed up at the Capitol on a Thursday?

"Alas!" you say. "No one would fall for that trick in the heat of summer!" But who can say for sure, what with all of Dan Rather’s blather about global warming and El Niňo!

Who knows? Maybe Martha pulled it off anyway. Maybe other Santa clones have already been produced and released into the atmosphere.

Now that we’re in the midst of the Christmas cycle, you need to ask yourself this: Is the Santa at the mall the real Santa or is he a Santa clone? See what I mean? About this conspiracy and cover-up? These Santa clones? It just makes you wonder.

I can only be sure of one thing. When her trial begins, the government will prosecute Martha Stewart for insider trading and nothing more. The government will never let the truth about cloning come out. The cloning cover-up will be buried in the X Files.

At least, that’s what the real Dick Cheney told me.


David G. Allen, Clarksburg, WV

"How Martha Stewart Almost Stole Christmas" appeared in the December 26, 2003 issue of the WV State Journal




Copyright 1990-2005  David G. Allen