essays and articles by david g allen


Christmas 2004

 

RED STATE CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Red state citizens are allowed to publicly celebrate a traditional Christmas.

2. Red state communities may allow the portrayal of certain traditional Bible stores, such as the "Nativity", on publicly-owned property without the need to feel "politically correct."

3. Red state citizens are encouraged to read A Christmas Carol to their children during the holidays. Now that Dan Rather has reported that he regularly talks to the "Ghost of CBS Past", the Dickens story should have more credibility.

4. Red Staters are reminded once again that, for the 2005th consecutive year, the true meaning of Christmas is still under siege.

5. All Red Staters, including that seasonal curmudgeon from "Almost Heaven" West Virginia—DAVID ALLEN—should extend Christmas greetings to not only their Red state friends, but also to all of the true believers who are presently trapped behind Blue state lines.

 

BLUE STATE CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Blue state citizens must refrain from using any reference about Christ including, but not limited to, "Christmas" during the holiday season.

2. Blue Staters may refer to December 25th as Giftmas, provided of course, that the Massachusetts and California courts approve of said word.

3. Blue state rules vary, but the use of the word "Holiday" might trigger an ACLU objection because "Holiday" actually means "Holy Day."

4. Blue state citizens are reminded that Sunday, December 26th, is Boxing Day in Canada. Blue Staters can enter Canada with the understanding that border guards will not ask questions.

5. Blue state children need to be told before the holiday (by understanding parents) that Santa’s elves did not make windsurfing boards or snowboards this year. Because of a polling error, the elves did make way too many flip-flops. Blue state children can expect their stockings to be filled with flip-flops until 2008, and possibly beyond.

 

 

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Copyright 1990-2005  David G. Allen