PURVEYORS OF FINE

FOREST LITTER

To our valued customers:

Now that we have learned of your coming trip to the seashore, we want to caution you about eating the fish!  We know you'll be tempted to do so once you've seen the water. 

Recently discovered scrolls from the Dead Sea caves indicate that the time of total human starvation is near!  This foreboding prophecy is contained in the scroll titled "The Parable of the Fishes".  At first, Biblical scholars thought that the scroll was a copy of the story of Jesus' feeding the masses.  But upon closer scrutiny, they came across some dialogue containing the question, "Do Ya' want fries with that fish?", and therefore concluded that the discovery applied to modernity.  Herewith follows a summary of the teachings from that scroll:

The year is projected to be 2023 A.D. and most of the planet's population speaks a common language due largely to the Internet and satellite television.  Although governments became irrelevant after the United Nations goes bankrupt, a loose federation of quasi-feudal kingdoms are able to maintain law and order while allowing a cost-effective framework for inter-kingdom commerce.  Emissaries from the kingdoms gather at Paris.  They are highly visible personalities because they are the only humans allowed to dress like Ward and June Cleaver (the role-model parents from the "Leave It To Beaver" show).  To protect the emissaries' status, no one may imitate their clothing.  Even the wearing of faux pearls with the traditional kitchen apron is considered an act of treason!  Each kingdom, however, has appropriated the attire of a genre sitcom with two exceptions:  all transportation workers (to include air traffic controllers) must dress like Ralph Kramden and Latin bandleaders must dress like Desi Arnaz.

The emissaries, convened at the base of the Eiffel Tower, prostrate themselves before God.  In unison, they pray:

Oh God in Heaven, please hear this, our prayer!  We are without even a day's supply of basic foods.  We have ignored the signs of Nature and we have forever ruined the once fertile ground that you created for us.  Please have beneficent mercy on us.   Please, in your heart of hearts, answer our plea for sustenance.  Amen.

Suddenly (according to the story in the scroll), a bright shining light breaks through the clouds, further illuminating the City of Light.  As if walking out of the corona of sunlight, God appears before the throng and He appears in such fashion that all of the people of this earth know that the personage before them is, in fact, the one true God.  He talks to the people of the earth:  "Oh my dear children, I have waited for so long to hear you call for me in a unified voice.  Your coming together makes my heart rejoice!  How is it that I may answer your prayer?"

The leading emissary (who, as of today, is actually thought to be the grandson of Hugh Beaumont, the actor who portrayed Ward Cleaver) rises to his knees, taps his pipe, and says, "God, we have failed to husband our agricultural lands.  Our greed pushed us to turn prime farmland into shopping centers.  Then we burned the rain forests only to find out that the land could not be farmed.  And finally, we have overheated the atmosphere to the point where no crops or livestock can be raised."

God, beaming with confidence, responded, "As I created you, I knew all too well what you would do to the land and to the sky.  That is why oceans cover four-fifths of the planet!  And in the beginning, I also adjusted your sense of taste so that most humans would not enjoy the taste of seafood!  You need not worry my children.  The crisis will pass in due course and the oceans will sustain your need of food."

Hugh Beaumont, III, (affectionately known to his peers as Beaver Junior) replied, "Ahem.  I am afraid that the oceans are as empty of food as are our pantries."

"How could this be, Beaver?" God responded in disbelief.

"God," Beaver begins his answer, "people love your seafood.  About fifty years ago, we started feasting at seafood restaurants."

"Oh posh!  You're talking about that Sushi craze!" God sayeth.

"No, no!  Sushi was a trend in Japan when the boom years of the Eighties were in full swing.  The restaurants that I speak of dipped the fish and seafood in batter and then deep-fried everything to a golden crisp."

"Let's go over that last part again, Beaver.... You say you batter-fried the fish?"

The scroll containing "The Parable of the Fishes" ends at this point.  As our future may be now and as you will certainly want to guarantee that your oceanside vacation is a success, our professional counselors at T. MALTHUS, Dieticians recommend that your family travel with our popular Fibre Supplement Kit which offers a diverse assortment of tasty appetite-busters.

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