High asks that you read our:
disclaimers and warranties
1. During the winter months, we will not sell live pets to anyone with the surname "Donner".
2. We have discontinued carrying LOCOWEED brand pet food because, quite frankly,
Tails On High was getting a reputation as being a "Head Shop".
3. Our prices are guaranteed to be ridiculously high. Why? We contribute 48.37% of every retail sale to the National Road Kill Organ Donor Bank. This innovative program is helping animals everywhere.
4. Scorpions have a lethal barb on their tails. We can remove the stinger if you wish. However, we would recommend that you purchase the
VET DOCTOR KEVORKIAN KIT ($59.95). This kit comes with a handy tool belt (fits any scorpion), syringes, IV bags, as well as a selection of insecticides.
4. Although the store name "TAILS ON HIGH" infers that we sell pets with tails, it should be noted that we also sell pets
without tails. We
do not remove the tails. Charles Darwin notwithstanding, Nature has made mistakes! Our pets, however, are guaranteed to be anatomically correct at the time of purchase.
5. We specialize in "apartment pets" and, therefore, do not sell elephants, tigers, condors, anacondas, dolphins, gorillas, Herefords, emus, llamas, penguins, or alligators. We can special order any pet provided you show proof that you live in a really big apartment, townhouse, or condo.
We guarantee that all of the pets that we've ever sold were of sound mind at the time of sale. We cannot, however, guarantee that the people who have purchased them haven't changed all of that. Federal, state, and city laws prohibit our staff from psychoanalyzing customers. Therefore, it is not necessary for you to answer,
"I am not like the others!" when you are asked how you heard about our store.
7. We are not a division of WalMart. We could be, though, if all of our pets were
Made In America.
8. Pets smell. Learn to live with it. Think about what they have to endure.
9. Ferrets make wonderful pets and are not frog assassins as portrayed in popular television culture. And for the record, we do not know of any pet that can actually carry on a conversation. You cannot return a pet because it
"wasn't like the one I saw on TV."
10. We guarantee that Tails On High is the
absolutely greatest pet store on the 400 block of High Street in downtown Morgantown. And it's the most
perfectly adequate pet store in America.
11. ATTENTION HMO's!!! Tired of doctors prescribing expensive medicines and procedures? We've got good news for you! We're the area's preferred provider for medicinal Leeches. And our
"Glow In The Dark" Three Mile Island brand Leeches are the choice of treatment in today's cancer wards. At 3 for $1.00, these radioactive mutants do a cost-effective number on malignant tumors. In this age of managed care, we believe Nature can serve us well.
12. We can't guarantee that you'll meet her but
Martha Stewart is one of our regular customers.
13. Although Morgantown, WV has a really great downtown shopping district (as well as being home to West Virginia University), we are still technically located in Appalachia. For the safety of our regular shoppers, we ask that you read the following city ordinance:
BE IT KNOWN: Hatfields may shop in the downtown only on Monday thru Wednesday. McCoys may shop downtown on Thursday thru Saturday.
Shopper's alert! Hatfields and McCoys are known to shop at the malls whenever they please!
14. As long as we're on Appalachia's case, CHIA is not the abbreviated form of Appalachia. And we don't sell CHIA pets!
15. We're proud to announce that we're the area's only licensed dealer for Motorola's
Doggie Cell Phone. Just think about this--No more sleepless nights! When bedtime rolls around and Fido is still out on the town, simply dial Fido's cell phone, bark twice, and presto! Fido comes home! (Soon--Coon Dog Pagers w/GPS technology--only from Motorola!)
16. By now,
you've surely heard of "Dolly", the cloned sheep. In an effort to
anticipate where genetic engineering of animals will lead us next, Tails On High
has revised it's Merchandise Return Policy. Herewith, Clause 94: When Pigs Fly!
17. All pets are
dyslexic and are born so. Your pet may appear confused if you are using
newspapers to: a) paper train your pet, or b) line the cage floor. If you own an
aquarium, we also recommend that your children refrain from playing Hooked On
Phonics audiotapes in the same room.
18. All of our pets are
guaranteed to be Y2K compliant.
19. Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she got there, the
pooch asked for "Old Mother Hubbard Dog Food" by name!
20. Ever since we posted
Disclaimer & Warranty Item #12 (re: Martha Stewart is one of our regular
shoppers), busloads of sightseers have invaded downtown Morgantown in hopes of
glimpsing the noted television personality. We apologize for all of the
confusion. In our defense, let us offer this: We just assumed that everyone knew
that "Martha Stewart" is the name of Harrison Ford's Rottweiler.
21. TEACHER'S PET
INCENTIVE: If you are a Teacher, you'll be happy to know that we'll give you a
free apple with any store purchase! If you are a professor at one of the area's
colleges or universities, we'll give you a free App-L Computer (by RonCo). (For
left-hand use, this slim, 3"x5" plastic calculator fits inside most
pocket protectors. Pre-punched with finger holes, the Front side is numbered 1
thru 5. The reverse side, labeled Higher Math, is numbered 6 thru 10.)
22. Although we did not
publish the Starr Report to our website, we would like to point out that Ken
Starr exonerated Socks and Buddy on all charges of "... behaving like
animals in the White House."
23. After regular store
hours, Tails On High transforms itself into a Card Parlor for Dogs. On Monday,
it's Canasta. Tuesday is Bridge night. Wednesday--Crazy 8's. Thursday--Gin
Rummy. And Friday is Stud Poker night. On Saturdays, your pooch can go online
with Bill Gates in the MSN Chat Room and learn Solitaire Strategies from the
24. Has this ever
happened to you? Your child learns a new cuss word at school and promptly
teaches your pet parrot to say it! If it has, please send a recent photo of the
errant child to: Store Security at this address.
25. Although we only
sell domestically-bred pets, please keep in mind that many of these pets'
ancestors came from lands where the Metric System is used. We can help you with
conversions from English measures.
26. Tails On High has
the area's only Self-Serve Dog Wash. Once your dog has mastered these three
simple steps--"Rinse, Lather, Repeat"--then your dog-washing chores
27. Students at the WVU
Law School recently voted on a new school mascot and selected "Sue", a
Bandit Faced Weasel. Noted for her ability to slip and fall (and feign injury),
this cute little actor will be on display at our store for the coming month
while it trains to chase emergency vehicles.
28. Don Knotts is a
Morgantown native. And Mary Lou Retton's birthplace is at nearby Fairmont. To
capitalize on their fame (and without asking for their undoubtedly expensive
endorsements), we'll be offering specials on "Loyal Sidekicks" and
29. Our sales of books
about pets has been so brisk that we've joined forces with the largest
bookseller on the Internet. Visit our other website at: www.amazon.com/tales on
30. WARNING! About two
weeks ago, a burglar entered our store. His condition has since been upgraded to
"critical". Police have yet to determine whether the man was
illiterate or just did not take seriously the warning poster in our window that
reads, "Premises Patrolled by Martha Stewart. "
NOTICE: The law firm of Flanagan, Brannigan, and Ivkovich prepared these
Discaimers & Warranties as part of their court-ordered, community service
requirements under a plea bargain agreement. While representing Starbucks,
lawyers with the firm were caught submitting falsified documents to the Zoning
Board. Morgantown's zoning laws are quite clear about this. There can be no more
than three coffee shops of any kind in each block. Starbucks had planned for
six. Tails On High is not responsible for any errors or omissions, false
statements (or outlandish claims) on the part of FB&I.